


And Baby Said...

by Droewyn



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack, Gen, Otherwise it's General, Rating is because Plisetsky has dialogue, Super Secret Mystery Goblin King, This is fucking absurd
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-02
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-09-21 16:15:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9556820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Droewyn/pseuds/Droewyn
Summary: Yuri Plisetsky is done with Victor's shit.





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri Plisetsky is done with Victor's shit...

Yuri Plisetsky has _had_ it. As if it isn’t bad enough that a sudden growth spurt is making his bones ache and throwing off all of his jumps, now Yakov’s deciding that his puberty is a sign from God or whatever and dragging in his terrifying former prima ballerina of an ex to make Yuri’s life hell, Mila’s taking every opportunity to prove that not even an extra seven centimeters are a match for her mutant she-beast strength, and Georgi… is just being so fucking _Georgi_. And for the cherry on top of this delightful eff-em-ell sundae, Victor I-Am-Such-A-Precious-Goddamn-Genius Nikiforov has presented Yuri with some twee little tinkly baby song for his promised senior debut program. Proudly. Gleefully. The asshole is _relishing_ it.

Now he’s skating lazy circles around Yuri with Approachably Charming Living Legend Smile #3 plastered on his smug face while cheerfully ripping Yuri’s best efforts to shreds. _You have to make the jumps look ethereal, Yuratchka. Your step sequence looks like you’re jogging through tires in boot camp, Yuratchka. Try to put some tiny_ semblance _of vulnerability into your Ina Bauer, Yuratchka. Do you want to borrow my English dictionary so you can look up ‘agape’ again, Yuratchka?_ Because quad-flipping all up on Yuri’s very last nerve is definitely the best way to evoke _unconditional love_ from his performance.

Whatever that even _means_.

Yuri throws himself into the Biellmann spin like he feels personally attacked by it, closing his eyes and letting the roar in his ears drown out Victor’s mocking commentary. He’s not sure why he’s suddenly thinking of the stories _dedushka_ used to tell him, and he’s even less sure why he finds the words bubbling up in his throat. What he does know is that right at this moment he is completely and utterly out of fucks to give.

“I wish the goblins would come and take you away right now,” Yuri hisses under his breath as he spins.

The rink goes dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY LOOK IT'S THE LABYRINTH AU THAT LITERALLY NOBODY NEEDS OR WANTS
> 
> So I'm at work, right? Eating some breakfast at my desk and thinking about Very Important Work-Related Things. When suddenly this trash fire of an idea slams into my brain like the absurd train wreck that it is and makes me actually, literally, choke on my tea. And it won't. Go. Away.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because an anon on tumblr asked me to continue this...

“Not funny, old man,” Yuri snarls, aborting the spin.  He comes to a halt amid a spray of shaved ice, glaring around himself.  Victor is nowhere to be seen, obviously having snuck off to the control room in order to pull his oh-so-clever prank.  “I _was_ afraid of the dark,” Yuri growls to the shadowed, empty rink.  “ _Past tense_ , asshole.  When I was a _kid_.”  The bear listens attentively, sitting back on its haunches as it regards him with a level gaze.  “See if I ever fucking tell you about…”  Yuri blinks.  The bear does not go away.

There is a _bear_ on the ice.

Yuri, who before this instant likely could not have told the difference between a grizzly and a koala without careful consideration – and one of them isn’t even a real bear – instantly identifies the creature as belonging to the genus _what the actual shit it’s huge_.  The species is a little harder to narrow down, but the shape and length of its claws, coupled with the hint of teeth poking out from a muzzle large enough to hold a considerable number of them strongly suggests it to be a member of the _I am so fucking dead_ family.

Yuri’s mouth snaps shut.  He absolutely does _not_ whimper in terror.

The bear huffs and rolls its eyes, and the part of Yuri’s teenage brain that doesn’t really think he could ever grow old or be seriously hurt notes in outrage that the beast looks like it’s laughing at him.  Then it does – something, _twists_ strangely in front of him, and suddenly Yuri is confronted with a figure that wears a great deal less fur and a great deal more glitter.

Glitter, flowing silk, and _tight_ leather pants.

 _Who the fuck are you supposed to be_ , Yuri tries to say.  _What’s going on?  Where’s Victor?_ doesn’t make it past his vocal cords.  _Did I hit my head on the ice and die?_ isn’t something he wants to think about, much less verbalize.  A stream-of-consciousness torrent of filthy words from every country he’s ever skated in nearly escapes Yuri’s lips, but he manages to bite it back, sucking in a shuddering breath instead.  This… sparkly bear person… is clearly in control of the situation.  Whatever the first thing that Yuri says to him is, it needs to be... mature.  Diplomatic.  Maybe even, though the idea pains him to the core of his soul, _respectful_.

“You do know that dance belts are a thing that exists, right?” he drawls, his mouth pulling itself into a cocky smirk.

The – werebear? – stares at him impassively.  Its human form has East-Asian features and short black hair that reminds Yuri of Jean-Jacques Leroy.  _Only hot_ , Yuri’s mind whispers helpfully.  _Really, really hot_.  Its – _his_ – narrow brown eyes are expressionless.

Yuri mentally facepalms.  _Perfect_ , he thinks.  _Just.  Fucking.  Perfect._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it turns out that writing complete and total nonsense is good for depression and apathy -- who knew? I have a plot (such as it is), with an ending planned. Chapters will probably continue to be super short, which will encourage me to actually write them while NOT encouraging me to abandon the Phantom Thief AU that I'm already 6k into. 
> 
> Also, while there will be no spoilers I do want to make it clear that I'm not retelling the movie. This isn't Jareth's Labyrinth, and while the rules are the same (because Faerie always has rules), the current Goblin King has vastly different motivations than his predecessor.
> 
> Thanks for reading. I feel like I probably owe someone an apology for this, but you read this far so you must not that be that offended?
> 
> Tell me how ridiculous I am in the comments!


End file.
